You may or may not have noticed a slight absence from me. If you have, that is neat that you noticed. If not, I’m not offended. I know I am a smaller blogger just breaking into the business. I also know that in the grande scheme of things, my problems are small. Everyone’s problems seem bigger or smaller depending on perspective, but sadly right now my “small” problems have been weighing down my heart, body, and soul. I hope you bear with me and let me get this off my chest. I am really hoping that this proves therapeutic for me.
In May 2016, I got married. This is where this whole story begins. I knew he was the wrong guy, and I tried to call it off. Things were so bad, and obvious, the wedding party jokingly called me a runaway bride. If only they knew how serious it was. Things only got worse, with my husband proving every day just how wrong he was for me.
In March 2017, not even a year later, he moved out and abandoned me in our apartment with no money, no job, and debt. It wasn’t a good time. I was trying to get through a semester in college but everyday was a battle. I didn’t miss him… But I struggled because of everything he had done and said.
Fast forward to about 6 weeks ago. In that time I had found a job and finished my semester of school. I started seeing a really good man. I should be happy, but some bizarre physical issues began. Unexplainable ailments began popping up. First it was small cuts on my fingers that would excessively bleed for hours… and I mean hours. One was so bad I thought I would have to get stitches because it bled for a long time, and every time I changed my bandage it began to bleed excessively again. Then I began getting fatigue and dizziness out of nowhere, followed by migraines. This still occurs quite frequently, and by frequently I mean almost everyday.
Then my worst symptom began, I woke up after a horrible night sleep to extreme and chronic pain from my lower hip to the top of my head. I have had this pain chronically since this terrible morning. Nothing helps. The first few days I could relax my muscles a little by sitting in a hot tub, but that has stopped helping. Nothing I do makes the pain manageable. Sometimes it spreads down into my knees, and occasionally into my heels. The pain is unbearable but with my job I keep pushing on. There are days that I hurt so badly I can’t even swiffer mop a floor, brush my hair, or change out of my work scrubs. Changing shoes is painful in multiple ways. My finger joints ache and cramp, and they constantly feel like they needed cracked.
On the Fourth of July my bipolar disorder has decided to try and win over my self-control. Lately the depression has gotten so bad that I have decided to take some time away from social media and the website. I have been trying to focus on relaxing, but nothing is helping ease the burden on my body or mind. Everyday there is more and more that gets added to the list and I feel like I am under the water.
If all of this wasn’t enough to make me want to crawl in a ball and weep, things progressively get worse. Physically I have now been having a lot of digestive issues again. My stomach gets extremely sick when I eat too much, not enough, or not at all. No matter what I eat or when, I end up rushing to a bathroom with stomach issues. I have no appetite, nothing tastes good, and everything makes me sick. Even simple things like lemon water make me feel queasy.
My head hasn’t gotten better either. With the school semester starting on August 28th, I have been extremely stressed about a lot of work related issues. I have also been having issues with horrible nightmares on the nights I can actually sleep through my pain. I have been having a lot of flashback dreams to some pretty traumatic times in my life. Adding on to the mounting stress is my desire to continue bringing good content to the site. On August 1st I launched my fashion section, but sadly due to my depression I haven’t done much with it. My laptop screen is littered with photos of outfits I have created for inspiration for posts, but when I sit down I stare at a blank screen. This is the first post I managed to write in a week…
Originally I had planned to rebrand the website, and was working hard on it before this happened. I was creating a new logo, focusing on a new website, even created some great new graphics and video intros for my vlogs on YouTube. I have been teasing some exciting new news but even that is weighing on me. This rebrand would include bringing in someone to help me, and that is hard. I am so scared that this partnership won’t work out well and it will cost me this website. I don’t want to lose my friend, or lose my vision for this site.
At this point, I am completely at a loss. I have no clue what is wrong with me physically and what I can try to do to alleviate the pain without a doctor. Truthfully, I have no clue how to improve my mood anymore because my normal tactics aren’t working. I don’t know what to do about my job, do I keep it and continue to be taken advantage of while working myself ragged during school and risk failing my last semester, or do I find a new job.
Heck, I don’t know if I should step out of my comfort zone and take a risk with this site and hope for the best. I am just out of answers, and that makes me sad and even more scared. I’m terrified that the reason for all of my pain and stomach issues is more serious than one might think. I don’t know what it could be but I just feel like it might be an actual serious problem at this point… even though I hate doctors, I may not have a choice anymore but to just go.
I am not asking for comments or shares… but if you have advice or encouragement… I’ll ask for that instead.
with a broken wing,